These 100 Funny Christmas Quotes will Inspire Santa-Worthy Laughs. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” — Demetri Martin. “Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.” — Unknown, 45. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.”, “A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”, “My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.”, “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.”, “Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.”, “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.”, “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” — Bill Murray, 20. “The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” — Bill Vaughan, 58. ”A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” — Melanie White, 52. He jumped out from under it. '”, “The world is a globe. “Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” — Jimmy Fallon. So many good ones to choose from for a party ! “You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” — Kate Summers, 77. Refresh your page, login and try again. Please check your email to confirm your subscription. Uh-oh! Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”, “A man in love is incomplete until he has married. People Great Expectations Blonde No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader. “Santa Clause wears a red suit. Without Jesus, no Christmas.” — Melanie White, 37. It burns a lot of calories.”, “Avoid fruits and nuts. “Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Jones, 96. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.”, “Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.”, “I’m not for everyone. “More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine, 73. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?” — Arlo Guthrie, 95. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? They look so nice on the pumpkin. But if you’re not in a festive mood just yet, this list of 100 funny Christmas quotes should give you a few Santa-worthy belly laughs. Love is. “It’s Christmas Eve! Explore our collection of motivational and famous quotes by authors you know and love. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. Smile because it happened.”, “I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.”, “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”, “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.”, “Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”, “I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”, “My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”, “To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.”, “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.”, “Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?”, “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”, “Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.”, “The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.”, “Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.”, “If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.”, “Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.”, “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.”, “Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. “‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’” ― Dave Barry, 30. ”From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn, 56. He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! “I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” — Earthman Adam, 70. Pursuant to U.S. ?? “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” — Elf, 34. ”One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. “Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” — Andy Borowitz, 44. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”, “That’s the funny thing about life. “I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas, 98. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.”, “I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?”— Conan O’Brien, 53. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness — and call it love — true love.”, “Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.”, “I’m sorry, if you were right, I’d agree with you.”, “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”, “I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”, “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”, “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.

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